Suck.

So, after all these weeks of brilliant rehearsal for a brilliant show which I am so honored to be a part of, we open tonight! Most of me is nervous off the waz and excited as all hale, so thats what I'm focusing on. But part of me is terrified for what will be left when the show is over. I haven't been showing it much but I have been clinging to this show for dear life, and it is right now the only thing keeping me rooted and sane. I don't know what I'll have left to focus on when it ends, and I'm scared. Its been rough, and I know that in these past few weeks I've held onto rehearsal like a life preserver. And its about to be ripped from my hands and I am scared I'm going to sink.

Good thing my character needs to be crazy sad and depressed - I've got plenty to draw from.

Long story short: I LOVE YOU ALL OODLES.
Okay that wasn't the point of this post at all but it should have been. I am grateful for each and every one of you and I am lucky to have anyone who reads this as a friend. You are wonderful and brilliant and excellent.

And now, off I go to opening night (insert nervous dance).

I just had a cute chat with Madre. I hate this. Seriously, I hate it. I go from happy to sad in like that blink of an eye all because I care so much about what my parents think, and they don't think much of me. Want to know WHY they don't think much of me? Its right here:
Geoscience: A
Lifetime: A
Choir Opera: A
Spanish IV and V: A
Math: B
American Studies (History): A
American Studies (English): A
Theater III: A
Consumer Education: A

That, friends, is my report card. And that is the reason they hate me these days. I can't stand it anymore, I really can't. I know I got a B, but its ONE B. ITS OKAY. I WILL STILL GO TO COLLEGE, PROMISE. And I took an ACT practice today and got a 32, and it wasn't good enough because the math section was still a 30. UGH. GET OVER IT, PADRES.

Anyways, they really have me upset. Not only are the hating on me because of my grades, but my mom told me and my friends to our faces that she doesn't want me to be involved in theater. At all. Like, plays or stage management or any of it. She thinks it "draws my focus aweay from what is important". I'm sorry, but isn't what makes me happy what should be important? Just saying.

So, thats my rant for the night. Meep.

Ready thyselves, for this will be an epic post (a joyous one, finally!)

So tonight, as you all already know, I went to see Wicked with a friend of mine, Natalie. We started the night in the traditional theater kid way: some good girl talk time and then a sing along on the El on the way down. We got into the heart of the city (God, I love this city), and we headed over to Fancy Shmance Hotel for dinner with the cast! We sat around and ate and talked and they told us all about theater, behind the scenes stuff, college majoring, and more. There was also a Company Manager there, which was SO cool; I'm all about learning new ways to be involved in the theater these days. That job is another I can look into :). Anyways, dinner was so inspiring. It was fantastic to see everyone from Ensemble and up just so filled with joy and love for what they do. They kept saying things like "Girls, never ever ever give up. If this is where your heart is, keep going" - no matter how many times you hear it, it changes you every single one to hear words like that.
After a wonderful dinner, we headed on over to the theater (I adore the Oriental Theater). Nat bought her merch and then we went in to find that we had FRONT ROW TICKETS!! Seriously, these seats were phenomenal. I felt like a part of their world. The entire show was just fantastic, one of the best times I've seen it done. They improvised a bit tonight, and let themselves have fun with it, and you could tell. I wanted so badly to either be THEM, or be stage managing (I was actually jealous of what an intense show it must be to manage; so many cues, so much fun and responsibiltity!).
After the show we were in for another surprise; a backstage tour! I've now been backstage twice at this show, I can't even believe it. Anyways, it was SO cool. Its truly a HOME back there, you guys! A HOME! They have fish tanks and beds and cereal and LOVE. The atmosphere was remarkable. Cast, crew, management, everyone alike was running around patting each other on the back, hugging, congratulating, etc. And they WANT to be there - when I had my talk with the stage manager, he was like "I've been here since 8:00 am this morning!" but it wasn't like downhearted or sad - he was HAPPY. He felt GLAD to have been in his second home, with his second family.
Now we get to that - meeting with the stage manager. During our tour, he told me he'd been stage managing four eight years and I was like "I just started that and I LOVE IT!" and he got all excited, so we went and sat down (BACKSTAGE AT WICKED, REMEMBER, SURROUNDED BY TALENT AND BEAUTY AND LOVE)to talk. He told me how AMAZING it is, and how he is so happy with the field and the love and respect and community and everything. He says he wakes up excited every single day. I want that, you guys. I want it.

That brings me to this portion; I WANT THIS. I never let myself want things. I was thinking/talking so much about that tonight. I limit myself because I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of failure because I'm afraid of showing people I'm weak. I'm afraid of showing people I'm weak because then I must acknowledge that I'm weak. This is why I never recognize that I DO want to get cast in a play, I DO want to do this or that or the other thing - I am ultimately terrified of my own weaknesses being manifested in public failure. But I realized tonight... I am ready for that. I am okay with that. I will try, and try, and try again and fall on my face so many times because THIS IS WORTH IT. This joy, this love, this longing that I feel right now? Only this atmosphere can bring it to me. Only this. Being IN the theater, working someway, somehow in the theater, this is what fills me with love. I want to go to work excited every day. I want to be in a theater from 8 am til 10:30 pm and not realize it because it feels like home. I want to be so filled with love of the people around me and the work I do that I can't help but to share it with people. Thinking about theater in such an honest and open way brought that back to me tonight. This is such a huge step for me, realizing that there is something in my life that I love so much that I am willing to remove the final boundary and make myself vulnerable. This is written still caught up in the moment; I'm sure as time continues I will once again not acknowledge wanting things. And sometimes, I genuinely not care either way, and sometimes it won't matter enough to me to get worked up about, but sometimes it will just be another cover. Tonight I've decided to try, try, try to start removing that cover. If I let myself want it, then I will let myself give my all to it. And maybe, just maybe, it'll pay off.
Long story short, theater is my home. I am going to pursue it. I have to. I'll have a backup, as I must, but I need this to be a part of my life. So yay for actually feeling these amazing wonderful feelings!

ps: if you actually read through this... applause and cookies to you. Forgive poor spelling/editting, please!

So on a scale of one to brilliant, rehearsal for The Children's Hour today was a 2,000,000,000. I am so in love with this production already! I had rehearsal from 9:00 am to 4:00 pm today and I didn't even realize time passing, it was so productive and incredible. The cast is TINY, which is really helpful in making us productive. We blocked all of act II today, and almost all of act III - we cut off right before my end in Act III because we were all too emotional already and that scene would've sent us over the top.
I was SO happy, you guys! I got there and Will, Ty, MoMo,Emily, and I ran a few scenes and they just went SO well. We all had such great ideas for character advancement/symbolistic blocking/all of these things to really help each other's preformances. After we ran our scenes we had a breakout meeting with the director and talked about discovery's we'd made about our characters in the past few weeks, how we're getting to find/know/love them. It helped to hear everyone else's discoveries because some of them related to me/our character's relationships. It was so nice to help each other, and it was so nice to have time to just sit and talk about our characters - I got so passionate about the reason my character makes some of the choices she does because I was learning so much about her. It was just an incredible experience.
Those of us that were called today all had lunch together and we kept talking about the show - the level of commitment is already so high, I can tell we'll all pour our hearts into it. I truly wish y'all could be here to see this one. If anyone wants to read the play, I'll email it to you, I have it as a pdf. Its a quick read and its a brilliant script.
I love you all, and I'm sorry I suck so much and posted twice tonight.

Hola, amigas.
So yesterday was HALLOWEEN! Yay! It was actually such a wonderful day I don't know where to begin. Ryan and I were Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera (aka BRILLIANT). I have pics up on facebook, which are semi-hysterical. I was voted best costume in all of my classes, spoke Spanish all day, and had a killer unibrow. Basically goodtimes party nation.
After escuela, we all went over to Michael's house and went trick or treating with Daniela, his little sister, for like 40 minutes.It was fun but got lame VERY quickly, so we went back to Michael's for the chili party. Thats when all the drama started... but it wasn't like bad drama, just lots of stuff happened?
1. Ryan has been in love with Doug for about 6 months now, and I finally asked Doug if he had any feelings for Ry a few days ago (Doug said no, thus, Ryan has been acting very sad). Doug came and Ry was like laying on me on the couch looking all sad, and I was looking all sad because my friends were being a tish lame, so Dougy was like "Annie, Ryan, lets go for a walk". We told everyone we'd be back in 15, and wound up taking an hour long walk to Doug's house and back. Ryan didn't talk much, but Douglas and I had a really good convo. I love that boy, he was really helping me and talking stuff out with me.
2. I got about a billio texts from Omar during our walk, so as we headed home (we got EGGED on the way home... it was so upsetting. None of us were hit, but come on). Anyways, we got home and it was really funny: as we walked up one side of the driveway from OUR walk, Emma/Sami/Natalie/Omar walked up from their walk. Everyone except Sami, Doug, Omar, and I left at that point, and Samson and I swapped walking partners. Omar and I went on a little walk together and I found out he is being sent to the WOODS and BOARDING SCHOOL :( I'm gonna miss him so much! We cried together for a few minutes, and then went back.
3. I drove Dougy home, and we had another really good talk. I found out that he and our theater teachers like legit care about me and worry about me and want to talk to me, which is SO nice to hear. Its nice to know that these adults who I love and respect CARE about me and are looking out for me.
4. I got to estro and I'd been feeling pretty negative about my IPFs. The first part of estro I was just sitting and contemplating, but then everything turned around. Emma was like "Lets do a compliment circle - a legit one" so we all like banded together in a circle and spent (not exaggerating) almost 2 entire hours complimenting each other - real compliments too, not just like "you're so cute!". It got really deep and emotional, and I think a lot of friendships were healed last night. We all ended the night in such a warm, happy place, all cried out from joy and rekindling of friendship and love and good things. I couldn't be happier.

I was also going to write about rehearsal in this post but I think this is long enough so I'll write a separate one about that. If anyone bothers to read this (I hope no one does its so freaking long) my apologies about writing a freaking epic novel.

Things That Make Me Happy
-Rehearsal
-Bonded cast
-Halloween shopping
-Improv
-Directors
-Theater
-Music
-Driving
-Writing letters on notecards instead of learning
-Reading
-You

Things That Make Me Sad:
-Loneliness
-Certain friendos
-Worries
-Stress
-School
-Being ignored
-Being taken for granted
-Sickness
-Insomnia

Things In My Life Right Now:
-All
-of
-the
-Above.

I want to be happy. I want to take a break. I want to get some sleep. I want to be better; I want everyone to be better. I want to stop worrying. I want to read. I want to go to Azkatraz. I want to write, I want to sing, I want to act, I want to sit. I want to rest. I want to see everyone. I want my friends to see ME. I want to not be cold. I want to advocate for myself. I want to be done.
And I want to stop complaining. And I want some ice cream.

Ahoy, Friendos.
So, its Monday. Goody. Today was both good and bad. Mostly confusing. I'll start with the good, because it will most likely make the rest of this post a happier one if I set the tone right. The good is: I HAD MY FIRST REHEARSAL TODAY! Yay! We are such a tiny cast, and it was amazing. We automatically clicked, and we already are getting into the cast-bonding mode. It was all hugs and smiles and welcomes today. Our read through was BRILLIANT - everyone is perfect for their part, and it was truly exciting. If we could all see the play come alive sitting in our plastic chairs in a circle on a blank stage, I can only imagine how it will be when we actually get to breathe life into it. It will be such a great process. I am so excited to discover my character, as well. This year in theater we're learning the Meisner Technique, and one of our main focuses is to find the character inside yourself and build off of real experiences instead of fake "pretending". I am so excited to work on real emotional prep and find my character inside of me! I'm also pumped to learn how to accept her for all of her flaws and become her, without judging her. It'll be such a wild ride. I'm writing my preview of the show now, and just flipping through the script I can see scenes becoming just honest and beautiful with our amazing cast. Yippee!
Thats the good of the day. Most of the day was spent with me being a dunce. As a few of you know, I went into like "panic-and-paranoia" mode last night and decided that every single person I have ever known actually secretly hated me. Now, I know I am being ridiculous, but its stuck with me. I talked about it with several online fooligans and one or two IRL hoodlums, and I have come to the realization that I am just too different from my IRL friends. I love them and in some ways we're exactly alike, but I've talked about this with Ryan so much, and here is the conclusion: They are all scared to talk to me too much anymore, because I continue to never do anything "wrong", and for some reason they've decided that because of that fact I am incredibly judgemental and cruel and superior. Which, big news: I'm not. I have never held anything my friends have done against them. I don't believe in what they sometimes choose to do, I don't participate, and I don't condone it, but I have NEVER yelled at anyone, made them feel guilty, or anything. Ryan truly thinks its just because they don't know how to handle my complete lack of the urge to rebel. Its just annoying. But basically, I've decided to try a little social experiment with my IRL friends called "Disappear Emotionally". It goes like this: I will completely recede into myself, and not talk about my personal experiences/opinions/thoughts, nor will I offer my ideas on anyone elses' experiences/opinions/thoughts. I will just be, and listen, like a little sponge. It'll be great. Maybe this will make them see that I'm not a huge superiority-loving-egotistical-freak (I still haven't the faintest idea where they came up with that). Also, I am not going to talk to them about the play.
So, these next few weeks will be a BLAST. Thats what I meant in my vulture note last night, I suppose... since I'm done having personality overload IRL for the time being, I'll just have all of my personality here :)
Oh, and Mike's test results didn't come back. They had to send the tumor to a special brain tumor clinic in Washington, we probably won't know for a week. Its complete agony. His whole family broke my heart today. He's home now, resting there. As always, thoughts, please.

Hey, everyone.
So, as you all know, I personally suck at having good health. And I also have that special knack at having the people close to me be sick as well. I told almost all of you about Mike, our family friend diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer last week. We find out the exact results of what is going on with him tomorrow, so its going to be a pretty rough day on the community. I talked to his wife about it, and she has told me that regardless of what happens, they are going to FIGHT. And Mike is a fighter, we have hope for him. Just keep him in your prayers.
And, in true [Weasley] family style, Caroline has started having migraines, and she's had so many that the had to have an MRI today. They're checking to see if she has a mutuation of the migraine disorder I have (thank God, she doesn't have the seizures I do). Anyways, we get those results on Wednesday.
Long story short, keep them in your prayers/thoughts/whatever.
In order to make this post NOT entirely depressing... rehearsals start tomorrow! Yay! I expect we'll just do read-throughs and talk about our parts. I've already made my 4 lists and started my character bio. I'm so pysched to get this process rolling!
Also, I don't really understand LiveJournal. It seems that I'm using it as a blog? Is that what its intended to be? Or am I just supposed to post like links and funny things? I don't understaaaaaaand!

Hey, friendos!
So, the cast list went up about an hour ago, and - TRA LA! I got a lead! Not one of the three like super prominent parts, but I am no longer 3rd ensemble member to the left! I will be playing Mrs. Amelia Tilford, the grandmother of Mary (evil young child who starts the rumor that the play is based on). I am SO honored and SO happy and I cannot even believe it. I truly was convinced I wouldn't be cast, and it is SO nice to be proven wrong!

My friends, on the other hand, are not so happy. Only one of them was cast, which means scary times lame squad. I signed off of my "IRL" screenname immediately after hearing the list because I didn't want to be accosted :) I guess they'll just have to deal with it - I am going to try to make sure no one can make me feel guilty about being cast. I'm too happy to be brought down!

Seriously, this is such a good theater year so far. I was Stage Manager/Assistant Director extraordinaire and I got such high praise for that, I thought my year had already peaked in the fall. But now, this! I am so overjoyed I can hardly type, still! It gives me hope and makes me all bubbly and happy. I can only pray this production goes as well as the last! With a cast of 13 total characters, 4 assistant directors, and a wonderful director, I can't forsee too many problems.

So, I am off to see another friend at a different school play the lead in HER respective fall play, and then rejoice time tonight! Hopefully Vulture-Skypeover is still in effect. I love everyone and everything!

Hey friendos!

I'm Elphie and I think Vanessa is the most awesome person in the world. Thanks :D

Haha, punderful title.
Anyways, it has been like drama central in my life today, and I figure why not learn how to use LJ by writing about it? Basically, callbacks for the most competitive Junior/Senior show were posted today... of roughly 90 girls who auditioned for a total of 11 female roles, 20 were called back. I got a callback, which is a huge honor, but also a bit of a curse. Three of my really close friends have declared that if they don't get _____ role in the show, they will
a) hate everything
b) do something drastic
c) swear off of theater forever
d) make life a living hell for everyone else for a few months.

Of these lovely ladies, two were NOT called back. Hodang. So we're already feeling the burn of anger and jealousy, which is the equivalent of AWFUL. So now I am getting some pretty cruel comments/unkind looks which I know isn't about ME as a person but just about the show situation. Still, it sucks that it has to be this way. I personally am incredibly at peace with this show, and will truly be only mildly upset if I'm not cast. I am fairly certain I won't be, just a feeling I have and its pretty strong - and thats OKAY. I wish everyone could look at it reasonably and then we wouldn't all have to kill each other every few months when auditions come around.

Cast list up Saturday at 4:00.

<3 Elphie